Deadbeats

Today my mind is riddled with frustrations. Due to a personal situation regarding my stepson I have been reminded of my childhood. I didn’t have the best childhood, I was forced to grow up very quickly (which is probably why I am so childish today). My mother was very mentally ill, often times she would stay in bed all day leaving me to cook for my brother, get him off to school, get him from school. All while doing the same myself. My father left because he couldn’t handle being a parent. That’s really all it is he acted as though my mother trapped him, when in the reality he chose to not wear protection, whose fault is it really?

I hold no hard feelings for my mother, she went into inpatient treatment numerous times when we were younger and did her absolute best. My grandma was meant to watch us but she was a lawyer and often had long days, more often then not I was home after school with my brother making whatever it is I could cook. I am not very good at cooking so I haven’t the slightest as to what I made him but he ate, we ate well. If anything I just wish that all those trips did better for her. To this day unfortunately she still fights a battle in her head, one that I understand all too well.

I think out of everything I wish my “dad” had any types of care for us. Even to this day he doesn’t care which to be honest I’m sure we are much better off because of but I do wish. I spent many years trying to stay close to him, through him calling me the nigger child no one knew about, through him saying he hated us because he owed child support. There were so many things I let go by just to try to hold onto the father I wanted. Over a year ago we got into a huge argument where he decided to blast me on facebook. It was silly really I needed some plumbing done in my new apartment and he offered to do it, came by one day and said he would be back the next and ignored me. I told him A half decent person would have said they weren’t going to do it. When you’ve done nothing for me my whole life, don’t even know my birthday or how old I am the least you can do is be honest. He thought it was funny and put up a status on facebook blasting me to all of his friends and family. Obviously that was the last straw, as a 44/5 year old man it’s truly pathetic that you can treat your child like this.

Anyway he had always been in and out of my life. He would tell my mom he wanted to see us then come around for a week or two then leave again. Unfortunately my mother gave him chance after chance with us. In the end all it did was cause hurt, some people can change, some also don’t. When they don’t it can be very upsetting to the child. Here I sit as a 27 year old adult with daddy issues. In a way he and a couple of other people whom were previously in my life made me feel like no one stays. Made me feel as though I was meant to be alone, not good enough to have someone love me and stay around.

I am glad I cut him out of my life but it still hurts, to this day I miss the idea of having a father.  Like a real father though, someone who stays around, someone who actually loves me. Someone who wants to meet my future wife, my (step)son and my future kids (if I’m lucky). I am better off without him but it hurts. It hurts knowing I wasn’t anything important to him. I know this says more about him then it does me but sometimes it feels as though I am the one at fault. While I know this is not the case and he is really just a cold, cruel, angry old mad it still sucks.

My point is sometimes it’s better to keep people out of your life. Friends, family, whomever. They are not worth your tears, they are not worth your hurt. It is important to keep toxic people away, don’t let people come in out of your life as if you are nothing but a welcome mat. You are not here for them, you are here for you. Be strong, know when enough is enough. Littlebig man I love you with my whole heart, and I know I did not help make you but I know I will always be there for you. I will always be by your side for better or for worse. I will love you unconditionally for who YOU are. Always. Fuck everyone else, if they want to be there they will if not it’s their loss not yours. Remember that, you are the world, the sun, the moon and the stars. I love you. I might be a pain, you may feel as though I am too strict sometimes but know everything I do is for you. I want you to grow up into a strong, independent amazing man. I know you will as well. You’ll make me and mama proud 🙂 You already do. Anyway thats all on my mind. Off I go.